BLOGJACK! DATELINE: MONTGOMERY. SITUATION: SNOW EMERGENCY

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, hold on to your hats. For the second time in history, this is a blogjack.

This blog, normally written by the beautiful, witty, and talented Lauren Webster, has been taken over (i.e. BLOGJACKED!) by her husband: The beautiful, witty, and talented Rob Webster.

Let's all behave ourselves and we should get through this just fine.

What could possibly warrant a blogjack on this fine Thursday evening? The children lie tucked warmly in their beds. A fabulous season premier of Survivor has danced before the TV screen, delighting us and untold billions. We are fed. We are happy. We are warm.

And yet, while we wallow in our middle class comfort, danger looms for many. The twittersphere and the facebooksphere (which doesn't roll off the tongue quite so naturally as twittersphere) are abuzz. People are on edge, excited and frightened simultaneously, not unlike me on my wedding day.

Here is the news from yonder lands, directly from the source, the National Weather Service:

THE ATMOSPHERE ACROSS CENTRAL ALABAMA WILL BE CONDUCIVE TO A DOMINANT PRECIPITATION TYPE OF SNOW. IT APPEARS THAT SNOW ACCUMULATION OF THREE TO FIVE INCHES WILL BE POSSIBLE IN THE WARNED AREA.

This is a warning from the Emergency Blogjack System. This is not a test. This kicks in when the NWS uses phrases no one would use in real conversation, such as "a dominant precipitation type of snow."

This is Citizen Rob in action. Think of this as not just a dire warning, but also, a public service announcement. You see, I've learned much in recent months. Fourteen months ago I left those rolling hills of south-central Alabama and moved to the wint'ry plains of Kansas, where the bitter cold spills over the Canadian border unhinderered by obstacles such as mountains or Bryant-Denny Stadium. My first month here, temperatures plunged to single digits. And though cold, if one dresses properly, it can be tolerable. What is intolerable (and I plan on speaking to the governor about this when I get a chance) is the wind. A bitter, bone chilling wind.

"Oh, it's never like this," the locals told me. "This is unique. My stars, what a unique winter this is."

And then this winter happened. And the locals continue to try to fool the Southern yokels by swearing, "Oh, yeah, totally freak weather. It's never like this normally." Riiight. Except for, um, last winter. Fool me once, shame on you...

All of this brings me to the point of the blogjack. And what probably would have been a better title:

ONE SOUTHERNER TO ANOTHER: TIPS FOR SURVIVING SNOW

1. Don't bother shoveling if it's going to melt the next day. Or even that day. (See previous blogpost.)

2. Snow, it turns out, is actually crystallized water. I know, I slept through that college physics class, too, but I swear it's true. Turns out, when snow melts, it makes water. This mixes with the dirt in your back yard. This dirt becomes mud. Your dogs will track this in your house.

3. If you're going to intentionally do doughnuts in the snow, a) do it away from the police, and b) do not try drinking hot chocolate while you do it.

4. No, your leaf blower will not work as a snow blower. But it was worth a try.

5. That's not a dead turtle in your driveway. Wait, I haven't blogged that story yet. Well, just stay tuned...

6. This is actually a lesson from my childhood in West Virginia, but: If you're getting a little bored with the traditional snowball fight, adding a firecracker to a snowball and shouting "Hand grenade!" can liven things up a bit.

7. If you have Diet Dr. Pepper in cans and you leave them in the back of your minivan overnight, and the van is not in a warm garage but instead is in your driveway, the Diet Dr. Pepper does not stay in the cans. Again, must be a physics class I slept through.

8. Ladies, I learned this from my wife. Snow fashion is very important. Learn how to rock the scarf look. Practice tonight, look fierce tomorrow. Lessons here. Lauren recommends technique 3.

9. Have a friend down the street who owns a snowblower. This is what saved us last month. And if you don't have that in Alabama, then you may want to consider moving to my street. Just so you can have a friend with a snowblower.

10. Have fun! We're so jealous! Even though we've had lots of snow here, we haven't experienced it with friends who only get to see it once every 20 years! We're already getting jaded to it, but y'all have reminded us, it is a big deal! Have a blast, take lots of pictures, don't really make homemade hand grenades, and enjoy!



Blogjack over.